Sunday, October 15, 2006

Studio Friday- Fear

Originally uploaded by crunchcandy.

A little late entering (maybe I should sign up for 'studio-it-was-friday-a-few-days-ago'?) but here's some words on fear.

On Friday I attended the funeral on my good friend Jen. I'm glad I made it there, although i'm not sure I would have been able to if it hadn't been for my parents both being kind enough to take the day off and drive me there. I'm not sure I would have been able to walk into the room if it hadn't been for the fact that I bumped into someone who recognised me and who directed me to where other friends were standing. I'm not sure I would have been able to look at the coffin if it hadn't been for the fact it was a beautiful woven (bamboo/wicker?) one with a gorgeous arrangement of autumn flowers on. Later I didn't know if I would be able to talk to Jen's family, but they made it so easy for me, it really wasn't as hard to talk about Jen as I had thought it might be.

Little tiny fears all part of the big fear that is death and ending. I'm really not so scared of death and losing people as I used to be, in the last four years three of my friends have died, and although losing Jen has been heartbreaking it's somehow easier to accept now. Don't get me wrong, i'd find it very hard to cope with losing anyone else, but somehow i've crossed that fear off the list. Instead I am filled with the feeling that life is too too short and we must fill it with doing the things that make us truly happy, which brings me on to another fear- the fear of success.

Three years ago I set up here gallery as part of Ladyfest Bristol. It was only meant to exist for a few weeks, but here is still here and now i'm wondering what my involvement with it should be. In the last three years I have started to make my own crafts and clothing (as Made by Milla ), curated a whole lot of exhibitions, and most terrifying of all for me, i've started making art again. Despite helping to run a gallery for three years (here is volunteer run and now I mainly just work online and curate exhibitions) I have never yet shown my work in it. More and more people keep suggesting to me I have a show in the gallery and yet I can't bring myself to put myself forward as a candidate. I am too scared of people hating my work, and more worryingly I am too scared of people loving it. The thought that I might be able to make a living doing things that make me happy, is somehow truly terrifying. I don't know what any of this means, it probably means i'm just a bit loopy, but if anyone can come up with a solution to this i'd be very happy indeed!

1 comment:

Salix Tree said...

But think of it the other way around.. making a living doing something you hate! That would't be so nice. You deserve happiness, and having a job you love will be wonderful! I decided when I was still a teen that I would never ever do any job other than art, or something I love doing. I was a waitress then, I got fired for telling the boss I had to finish an art project. He asked me "What's more important? Your job or art?" Well, I knew the answer to that!!